


The FATHER SAM Manual

by alltoseek



Series: POB Enterprises Manuals [2]
Category: Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-01
Packaged: 2017-11-20 00:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltoseek/pseuds/alltoseek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Announcing the latest model available from POB Enterprises</p>
            </blockquote>





	The FATHER SAM Manual

Latest model from POB Enterprises: FATHER SAM  
Earlier models: [STEPHEN MATURIN](http://acaciaonnastik.livejournal.com/24467.html)  
[JACK AUBREY](http://community.livejournal.com/perfect_duet/370370.html#cutid1)  
[DIANA VILLIERS](http://community.livejournal.com/perfect_duet/379391.html)  
[SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/436643.html)  
[KILLICK](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/437177.html)

(If you haven't seen these before read at least STEPHEN's first.)

### The FATHER SAM Manual

*** * * CONGRATULATIONS * * ***

You are now the proud owner of a FATHER SAM PANDA! In order to reap the full potential of your Catholic priest and avoid any unpleasant incidents, it is highly recommended that you follow the instructions detailed in this manual. Follow the directions and your FATHER SAM unit will give you years of quality performance. 

Note: POB Enterprises cannot be held liable for any mishaps resulting from failure to read and comply with safety procedures in handling your Catholic priest. 

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:**  
Name: _Father Samuel M'Puta_  
Type: _Human (Male, African/English)_  
Manufacturer: _POB Enterprises, African division_  
Date of Manufacture: _1787?_  
Height: _6"1'_  
Weight: _14? stone_

**ACCESSORIES**

Your FATHER SAM comes equipped with the following items:

(a) priest's cassock and robes  
(b) Bible and prayer books  
(c) rosary beads  
(d) biretta  
(e) chest of liturgical vestments  
(f) Book of Divine Service, Latin  
(g) chalice

~~No he doesn't have a lot of stuff, he's a _priest_ , remember?~~

**INSTALLATION**

Your FATHER SAM should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see above). You may choose to confiscate any or all items, but why would you want to? 

 

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your FATHER SAM unit has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in practically any language. 

Your FATHER SAM is not just decorative. He is ideally suited for any number of tasks, including:

Spiritual advisor/confidant: FATHER SAM is naturally discreet and a patient listener to even the most rambling of musings.  
Conspirator*: FATHER SAM is happy to assist in bringing about the downfall of repressive slavery-permitting regimes everywhere.  
Good-luck charm: We have noticed that any ship on which SAM is sailing will not sink**, no matter how incompetent the sailors nor unseaworthy the craft. 

* _This function is best fulfilled in conjunction with the STEPHEN MATURIN model._

** _POB Enterprises makes no guarantees and is not responsible for any adverse events on sea or by land_

Note: “Priest” has been removed from the list of FATHER SAM's functions. If you require the intercession of an ordained Catholic priest, please consult your local diocese.

 ***** WARNING ***** While your FATHER SAM is a fully-functional male and is capable of providing many other services around the home, certain tasks should not EVEN CROSS YOUR MIND!  WHAT THE ~~F--~~ BLESSED SAINTS ARE YOU EVEN THINKING?! THE MAN IS A PRIEST! Get your filthy hands off him and your nasty mind out of the gutter! 

**INTERACTION WITH OTHER MODELS**

POB Enterprises has preprogrammed your unit with nine different modes of interaction:

_Friendly_

_Spiritual_

_Amused_

_Serious_

_Thoughtful_

_Considerate_

_Patient_

_Understanding_

_Tolerant_

If you wish to socialise your FATHER SAM, he is especially compatible with the [JACK AUBREY](http://community.livejournal.com/perfect_duet/370370.html#cutid1), [STEPHEN MATURIN](http://acaciaonnastik.livejournal.com/24467.html), [SOPHIE AUBREY](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/436643.html), and... pretty much everybody. Yeah. No, can't think of anyone he doesn't get along with.

The factory-installed default is Friendly. All other modes are also recommended for all levels of users.

 

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** Can I purchase a second FATHER SAM unit?  
 **A:** Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced – one FATHER SAM per household.

 **Q:** I heard that it's possible to breed from my FATHER SAM. Is this true?  
 **A:** ~~JESUS JOSEPH AND MARY! WHAT PART OF _CATHOLIC PRIEST_ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!~~ No. Absolutely not. It is strictly against FATHER SAM's orders.

 **Q:** While unwrapping my FATHER SAM (to look for his _serial number_ , obviously) I noticed that he actually can't be unwrapped.  
 **A:** ~~HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT THE HE-- IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN KIND OF PERVERTS ARE YOU?~~ The man is a _priest_. A _Catholic_ one. Take your lascivious licentious perverted ways somewhere else. ~~_Jesus Christ on a stick_~~

 **Q:** I'd like to take my FATHER SAM travelling with me. What vacation spots are appropriate?  
 **A:** Pretty much anywhere. _Vaya con Dios._

 **Q:** I am not the owner of the FATHER SAM unit, but the owner's spouse. If I divorced my spouse, do you think-- ?  
 **A:** NO! NOT A SNOWFLAKE'S CHANCE IN HELL! _Vade retro Satanas_

 

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Your FATHER SAM is an intricate combination of craftsmanship and programming, and in the course of operations you may encounter the following situations:

Um... 

Actually, we have yet to have any problems reported with this model. 

**FINAL NOTE**

With conscientious handling, you should get the full benefit out of your FATHER SAM. Sadly, due to this model's tendency to venture even to the most dangerous of places to bring the peace of God, he does not come with a warranty. 


End file.
